


The Doctor Bride

by neko_fish



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Crossover, M/M, Princess Bride References
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-28
Updated: 2013-01-28
Packaged: 2017-11-27 07:01:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,098
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/659200
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/neko_fish/pseuds/neko_fish
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Finally on a well deserved leave, McCoy couldn't ask for anything more - it was the holiday season and his daughter was by his side. Everything was going great...until Jim sent them that damn book.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Doctor Bride

**Author's Note:**

> The disastrous AOS rendition of The Princess Bride written by 'J.T.K.' - enough said.  
> It's not beta'ed - so feel free to point out mistakes!

_**“Incoming call from Jim Kirk.”  
  
“Call accepted.”**_  
  
“Uncle Jim!”  
  
 _“Hey, kiddo! Happy holidays! How are things going with your dad?”_  
  
“Things are going well. Daddy’s just outside right now. How come you didn’t come with him this time?”  
  
 _“I had something to do, but I’m done now. Did you want me to come by for Christmas?”_  
  
“Yeah! Could you?”  
  
 _“Well, I’ll need your dad’s permission first. And I’m pretty sure he’s enjoying the peace and quiet a little too much right now to allow me to visit. But I’ll tell you what, JoJo. I’m going to transport this package over to your place. If you and your dad read it together, I promise you that he’ll let me come over for the rest of our leave. You can’t let him know I told you all this though – just tell him that I had nothing better to do and that he’ll find it entertaining.”_  
  
“Really, Uncle Jim? I’ll do it! And I promise I won’t give it away!”  
  
 _“Alright, I’ll leave it to you then. See you later, kiddo!”_  
  
\--  
  
Lazing around on the porch with a blanket wrapped around him on a beautiful winter afternoon, Leonard McCoy couldn’t recall a time he felt so content and worry-free. He was finally on his well deserved leave where he wouldn’t be bothered by dying captains, logical Vulcans and other accident prone crew members. And the best part of all was that it was the holiday season and he managed to convince his ex-wife to let him spend some quality time with his daughter while he was back on Earth.  
  
As though on cue, a little girl with thick brown hair and large hazel eyes came running outside. There was an excited expression on her face as she called out, “Daddy, guess what?”  
  
Leonard smiled at his daughter. “What is it, darlin’?”  
  
He was convinced that nothing could ruin his vacation.  
  
“Uncle Jim sent us something!”  
  
Except that.  
  
His smile was immediately replaced with a look of suspicion. “He did what now?”  
  
If Joanna noticed a change in her father’s mood, she didn’t show it. Still smiling excitedly, she held the bundle out for Leonard to see. “He said he had nothing better to do and that it’ll entertain you. Can I open it, please?”  
  
Feeling equally curious, Leonard nodded his consent.  
  
Tearing the wrapping off, the package turned out to be a book. Joanna flipped it over to see the cover and blinked. “ _The Doctor Bride_?”  
  
Leonard’s wariness was momentarily lowered by the sight of the book. Jim knew that McCoy loved antique things like books printed on paper instead of PADDs or hypodermic needles instead of hyposprays, so it wasn’t too unusual to receive such gifts from Jim (Leonard normally had to promise never to use the ancient medical tools though). However, when his daughter read the title of the book out loud, Leonard’s suspicion crept back.  
  
Taking the book from Joanna, he scanned it over critically. “ _The Doctor Bride_? What kind of book is that? I’ve never heard of this before. Let’s see who the author is. ”  
  
At the bottom of the cover printed:  _J.T.K._  
  
Leonard blinked. “J.T.K.? Wait…no. Oh no. No, no, no, no, no, he can’t possibly be bored enough to do something like this – wait, what am I saying?  _Of course_  it’s possible for him to be that bored.” Refraining from cussing in front of his daughter, he turned to her and asked hopefully, “Darlin’, how about we save this for a rainy day instead?”  
  
There was no rain forecasted for the next two days, giving him plenty of time to burn the book in secret.  
  
Joanna pouted. “But daddy, I promised Uncle Jim we’d read it together.”  
  
He took a deep breath and muttered to himself, “Of course you did.” But unable to deny his daughter anything, he nodded in defeat. “Alright then. Come on. Get yourself comfortable and we’ll see how disastrous this book can be.”  
  
She beamed and took a seat next to him.  
  
Wrapping his blanket around her, Leonard flipped the book open to the first page and cleared his throat. “ _The Doctor Bride_ , by J.T.K. Chapter One. ‘Bones was raised in a small town-’” He immediately stopped. “What the hell is this!?”  
  
Joanna pouted. “Daddy, keep reading!”  
  
“Fine. ‘Bones was raised in a small town somewhere in the Old South. His favourite pastimes were working too hard, treating people, and jabbing the very handsome town boy - who visited his clinic as often as possible – with hyposprays. That town boy’s name was Jim, but Bones always had to add interjection before his name such as: ‘dammit,’ and ‘goddamn it,’ and ‘good god,’ and sometimes even swear words.’” He scowled. “Dammit, Jim! What were you thinking!?”  
  
Joanna looked over at him curiously. “That’s strange, isn’t it? The town boy’s name’s the same as Uncle Jim's. And isn’t ‘Bones’ what Uncle Jim calls you, daddy?”  
  
Leonard immediately shook his head. “I’m sure it’s all just a coincidence, darlin’. There are lots of folks named Jim and Bones and whatnot.”  
  
The girl shot him an unconvinced look.  
  
He looked away in defeat. “Fine, Jim probably thought a story about us this would be funny or something. Who knows how that infant’s mind works? And he clearly had too much time on his hand if he managed to get it printed onto actual paper. You know what? This book doesn’t seem particularly interesting anyways. Would you like to read something else?”  
  
She shook her head. “Let’s keep reading this.”  
  
Dejectedly, he heaved a sigh. “…Fine. ‘Nothing gave Bones as much pleasure as telling Jim off for being stupid…’”  
  
\--  
  
 _Wrapping up Jim’s arm, Bones scowled. “Dammit, Jim! This is the third time this week! You better learn to take care of yourself or you’ll be dead by the end of the month!”  
  
Jim smiled fondly at the doctor. “As you wish, Bones.”_  
  
\--  
  
“‘“As you wish” was all he ever said back.’”  
  
\--  
  
 _“My god, man, can you stop getting yourself hurt for once!? **Please!?** ”  
  
“As you wish.”  
  
Rolling his eyes, Bones proceeded to address Jim’s wounds, feeling slightly unnerved at how those blue eyes just kept leering suggestively at him and how those lips stayed smiling._  
  
\--  
  
“‘That day, he was amazed to discover that when Jim was saying, “As you wish,” what he meant was “I love you.”’” Leonard frowned and raised a brow. “Are you serious?”  
  
If anything, it probably meant ‘I want to get inside your pants,’ he thought to himself.  
  
“Daddy…”  
  
He groaned and continued, “Ugh… ‘And even more amazing was the day Bones realized that he truly loved Jim back.’ This can’t be happening.”  
  
\--  
  
 _The sun was setting and the two were standing close to each other, just gazing into each other’s eyes.  
  
“Dammit, Jim, kiss me.”  
  
“As you wish.”  
  
It was a very romantic scene._  
  
\--  
  
Leonard clapped the book shut. “This is entirely too inappropriate to read out loud. Darlin’, are you  _sure_  you don’t want to read something else?”  
  
Joanna made a face at him. “Daddy, it’s just kissing. It’s  _supposed_  to be romantic. Uncle Jim kisses you all the time, and you used to kiss mommy, didn’t you?”  
  
“Yes, but that’s real life. Narrating it isn’t quite the same.”  
  
“Keep reading, daddy. Please?”  
  
Opening the book back up, Leonard sighed and continued, “‘Jim had no money for marriage-’ What? They’re getting married after just one kiss? That’s so irresponsible! Joanna, that is  _not_  how real life works. Don’t believe a word of this damn book.”  
  
“I won’t,” she reassured him.  
  
“‘So he packed his few belongings and left the town to seek his fortune across space. It was a very emotional time for Bones…’” He finished the sentence with a snort.  
  
Joanna frowned at him. “Daddy…”  
  
\--  
  
 _Bones frowned, scanning over Jim once more with his tricorder. “I can’t believe you’re going into space. Dammit, Jim, you’re probably going to die out there!”  
  
Sitting on biobed and swinging his legs idly, Jim smiled at him reassuringly. “Nothing will happen to me out there, Bones.”  
  
“Don’t pander to me, kid. One tiny crack in the hull and your blood will boil in thirteen seconds. Solar flare might crop up, cook you in your seat. And wait'll you're sitting pretty with a case of Andorian shingles, see if you're still so relaxed when your  **eyeballs**  are  **bleeding**. Space is disease and danger wrapped in darkness and silence.”  
  
“I'm being serious, Bones. Nothing will happen to me out there.”  
  
Bone snorted. “Yeah, with your track record, you won’t even make it to the ship.”  
  
“You worry too much, Bones. I’ll come back for you.”  
  
Getting nothing on his tricorder, Bones stood back and sighed. “And how can you be so sure?”  
  
“This is true love,” Jim stated in a matter-of-fact way. “You think this happens every day?”  
  
“Yeah, well, you’re clear to go. Dammit, Jim. Be careful out there.”  
  
Holding the doctor close and kissing him, Jim hopped off the biobed and grinned. “I will. And I’ll definitely come back for you.”_  
  
\--  
  
“‘Jim made it to space, but his ship was attacked by the Dread Space Pirate April, who never left captives alive.’” Leonard rolled his eyes. “Of course he gets attacked by space pirates of all things. How typical of him.  
  
“‘When Bones got the news that Jim was murdered, he went into his clinic and opened the door. And for days, he kept himself busy with work. He neither slept nor ate because he was such a workaholic even though he’d never admit to being one. But seriously, he needed to learn how to take a break every now and then.’ What is this? A story or a running commentary?”  
  
\--  
  
 _Bones sighed sadly to himself. “Dammit, Jim, I told you so.”_  
  
\--  
  
“‘Five years later, the main square of the town was filled as never before to hear the announcement of the great Romulan Prince Nero’s doctor-bride-to-be.’” Leonard had to bite his tongue to stop himself from going off on a tangent about how ridiculous he found the story.  
  
\--  
  
 _Standing in front of the town square, Nero stood there in his royal robes and with his henchmen behind him. He raised a hand to silence the audience and started to speak, “People of Earth. I have travelled from a very distant world – the future, where Spock destroyed my home and created a black hole, bringing me to this universe. And in this universe, I’ve been sitting and waiting in space for over 20 years now, just waiting to run into him.  
  
“My latest Intel has informed me that Spock is somewhere on your planet. Seeing as I’m incredibly sick and tired of playing this waiting game, I’ll give him a month to show up before I blow your planet up, taking him down with it. And in the meantime, I’ll take this doctor, who is in no way affiliated to Spock at the moment and see if he’ll provide me any entertainment. If he proves worthy, I’ll even wed him and take him with me back into space to watch the show. He’ll delay your planet’s inevitable destruction by a month. Would you like to meet him?”  
  
For some reason, the crowd seemed okay with the inevitable destruction of the Earth and cheered.  
  
From his clinic which was quite close to the town square, Bones blinked when he heard the commotion outside and decided to take a look. Stepping out onto the street, he was amazed when the crowd suddenly turned to him and Nero announced, “There he is: Doctor Bones!”  
  
Bones furrowed his brows as people began cheering and applauding him. “What the…?”_  
  
\--  
  
“‘Although Nero did end up finding Bones absolutely irresistible, Bones’ emptiness consumed him. There was nothing he could do about Nero’s choice in doctor-bride, or the inevitable destruction of the planet. And worst of all, he did not love him.’”  
  
Leonard rolled his eyes. Leave it to Jim to inject Nero into the story somehow.  
  
“‘Despite Nero’s reassurance that Bones would grow to love him, the only joy Bones found was in his shifts at the clinic – because he was such a workaholic.’ God, this is the  _worst_  story ever.”  
  
“Daddy, keep reading!”  
  
\--  
  
 _One day, three unusual looking men showed up at his clinic. There was a flamboyant Irishman standing in front. His name was Sean Finnegan. To his right, was an Asian man who stood with his back straight and a sword attached to his waist. His name was Hikaru Sulu. And to his left, was a Vulcan named Spock. Now, Spock had a first name as well, but it was unpronounceable to normal people, so it would be illogical to mention it.  
  
Finnegan walked up to Bones and pleaded, “We’re but poor, injured circus folk. Do you have any space for us and our grave injuries at your clinic, good doctor?”  
  
Being the good doctor that he was, Bones nodded. “Of course. There’s no one here right now except me.”  
  
Finnegan smirked in a foreboding way. “Good. Then there’ll be no one to hear you scream.”  
  
Nodding to the Vulcan, Spock reached over and gave Bones a Vulcan Nerve Pinch, rendering the good doctor unconscious immediately. Picking Bones up, the three of them quickly left town._  
  
\--  
  
Leonard felt a little relieved that he wasn’t the only person being sucked into the story.  
  
\--  
  
 _Arriving at a ship, the three of them hop on board and bring the unconscious Bones with them. Spock raised a brow in that Vulcan way of his and asked, “Why are we bringing a doctor on board? While it would be logical to have a trained medic with us in case of emergencies, I sense that that is not your intention.”  
  
Finnegan snorted. “We’re kidnapping him for ransom. Apparently he’s caught the attention of this high and mighty Romulan. Come on, let’s get going.”  
  
Sulu frowned and asked, “Why are we using an aqua-shuttle? Couldn’t they just transport the doctor elsewhere if they pinpoint our location?”  
  
Shaking his head Finnegan replied, “That Romulan ship’s doing something to conveniently screw up all the transporters in the orbit.”  
  
Sulu nodded. “I see. And what’ll we do if the Romulan decides not to pay the random?”  
  
“Then we’ll kill the man.”  
  
Spock frowned. “It would be most illogical to kill someone as practical as a doctor.”  
  
Finnegan whirled around and scowled. “I hired you to follow orders, not to be my personal advisor.”  
  
At the helm, Sulu voiced his disapproval as well. “I agree with Mr. Spock. That seems like an overly drastic course of action to take. It might be good to have a doctor around.”  
  
In a fury, Finnegan yelled at the two, “When the time comes, I’ll kill him myself if I have to!” Turning to Sulu, he narrowed his eyes. “When I found you, you were so slobbering drunk, you couldn’t even remember to release the parking brake.”  
  
Crossing his arms, Sulu asked, “What are you talking about? That never happened. I’m just here to pass the time. Chekov went on leave to Russia so I had nothing better to do than to abet in crimes for some unexplained reason.”  
  
Ignoring the reply, Finnegan turned to Spock. “And you! You were friendless, brainless, helpless, hopeless and all that! Do you want me to send you back to Vulcan?”  
  
Spock raised a brow. “It would not be possible for me to be brainless as that would render me deceased. As well, sending me back to Vulcan would be most illogical as it has been destroyed. I, too, am here on a whim. Uhura, whose first name I know but will not speak, is currently visiting her family, leaving me quite idle.”  
  
Finnegan threw up his arms in frustration. “That doesn’t matter! I’m still in charge here so you two have to do as I say!”  
  
Bored, Sulu asked his companion, “Mr. Spock, can you rhyme?”  
  
Nodding, Spock replied, “I have the ability to. However, I fail to see how that would be of any practical use in our current situation.”  
  
“…never mind.”  
  
\--  
  
It was night time when Bones finally regained consciousness. Finnegan was stretched out comfortably in his seat. “We’ll reach the cliffs by dawn.”  
  
Sulu nodded and checked the screen with the rear camera.  
  
Finnegan frowned. “Why are you doing that?”  
  
Shrugging, Sulu replied, “Just making sure nobody’s following us.”  
  
“That would be inconceivable.”  
  
Spock frowned. “Actually, it is highly conceivable given the technology available nowadays. In fact, it is highly probable that someone picked up on our shuttle and decided to investigate.”  
  
Bones nodded in agreement. “The hobgoblin’s right. Why the hell are we underwater anyways? What century do we you think we’re in right now?”  
  
Finnegan scowled at the doctor. “I’d watch your mouth if I were you, doc-” Sulu glanced at the screen again. “Stop doing that! No one’s following us and no one’s going to blow us up!”  
  
Hazel eyes widened. “Blow us up? Good god, man, get us out of here! The last thing I want to do is die in a metal box!”  
  
“There’s no one following us!” Finnegan snapped. “Sulu, tell him that no one’s following us!”  
  
Sulu pointed at the screen. “But someone is. Look, it’s another aqua-shuttle.”  
  
Indeed, there was another shuttle some distance away.  
  
Bones frowned. “Seriously, what century is this? An underwater chase? That’s such a twenty-second century thing to do.”  
  
Finnegan rolled his eyes. “It’s probably just someone taking their aqua-shuttle out on a test drive. No time better than the middle of the night to test those babies out.”  
  
No one looked convinced.  
  
Just then there was strange, high-pitched shrieking sound. Everyone froze.  
  
Finnegan frowned. “Shrieking Eels. Those things are large enough to eat shuttles whole.”  
  
The shrieking grew louder.  
  
Bones turned to Sulu. “My god, man, either kill those things or get us out of here!”  
  
Pressing buttons decisively on the control panel, Sulu nodded. “Roger that.”  
  
\--  
  
When dawn broke, Sulu checked his screen and found that that other aqua-shuttle was still behind them. “The other shuttle’s still there.”  
  
Finnegan shrugged. “Whoever he is, he’s too late. We’re here! The Cliffs of Insanity!”  
  
Bones sighed. “The Cliffs of  **Insanity**? Great. How much more ominous can it get?”  
  
Rising to the surface, Sulu docked the shuttle and the four of them got out. Finnegan laughed triumphantly. “And now we’re safe! Only non-humans are strong enough to climb up this cliff!”  
  
Bones furrowed his brows when he saw the rope dangling down from the top of the cliff. “You’re going to climb up using a rope? We have turbolifts and tractor beams nowadays, you know?”  
  
Finnegan shrugged. “I told you, that Romulan ship’s messing up a lot of our technology. So hurry up and put this harness on.”  
  
Staring at the harness in disbelief, Bones began to struggle. “A  **harness**? You expect me to just go along with this!? I  **hate**  heights! I refuse! There’s  **no way**  I’ll consent to being dragged up a cliff by a Vulcan while being attached to nothing but a damn  **harness**!”  
  
Finnegan and Sulu strapped the harness onto the doctor. “It’s a good thing we don’t need your consent then, eh, doc? Start climbing, Spock.”  
  
Feeling his legs lifting off the ground, Bones yelled as loud as he could, “I hate this!”  
  
\--  
  
About half way up, Sulu looked down to find a masked Man in Black climbing the rope. “Wow, look at him go. He’s even gaining on us – very impressive.”  
  
Finnegan frowned and did a double take. “Inconceivable!”  
  
“Actually,” Spock spoke up. “It is highly conceivable as we don’t know if he’s of human origin or not. As well, seeing as I am currently carrying three people, it would only be logical for him to be faster than me.”  
  
“Just keep climbing, Spock!”  
  
The entire time, Bones clung to the Vulcan and kept his eyes squeezed shut.  
  
\--  
  
Once they reached the top, Finnegan immediately took a knife out and began cutting away at the rope. Listening to the rope break with a snap and slither off the cliff, Finnegan grinned and walked over to the cliff’s edge to look down. But when he saw the Man in Black holding onto jagged rocks, suspended hundreds of feet in the air, Finnegan was stunned. “He didn’t fall? Inconceivable!”  
  
Sulu turned to Spock. “Just let it go, Mr. Spock. Just let it go this one time.”  
  
Finnegan turned away from the cliff side. “Whoever he is, he’s obviously seen us with the doctor, and must therefore die. Spock, carry the doctor. Sulu, catch up when he’s dead. If he falls, fine. If not, the sword.”  
  
“Got it.” Sulu paused. “Wait, why the sword? I have a phaser right here.”  
  
But the three were already gone.  
  
\--  
  
After being left alone, Sulu peered down over the cliff, waiting for the Man in Black to climb up. He hadn’t made much progress yet, but was slowly inching his way up. Bored, Sulu called out, “Hello there.”  
  
The Man in Black glanced up and grunted in response.  
  
“Slow going?”  
  
The man scowled. “Look, I don’t mean to be rude, but this isn’t as easy as it looks. So I’d appreciate it if you wouldn’t distract me.”  
  
Stepping back, Sulu sighed. “Sorry.”  
  
“Thank you.”  
  
Then after another minute, he peered over the edge again. “I don’t suppose you could speed things up?”  
  
The Man in Black looked up again. “If you’re in such a hurry, why don’t you give me a hand? And why were you guys climbing up a rope? We  **do**  have turbolifts nowadays, you know?”  
  
Sulu shrugged. “It wasn’t my idea. I suppose I could lower this rope down. But I don’t think you’ll accept my help, since I’m only waiting around to kill you.”  
  
The man nodded and continued climbing. “That does put a damper on our relationship.”  
  
“What if I promise not to kill you until you reach the top?”  
  
“That’s very comforting. But I’m afraid you’ll just have to wait,” the Man in Black grunted.  
  
“I hate waiting. First I have to wait for Chekov and now this? So you don’t know any way you’ll trust me?”  
  
“Nothing comes to mind,” was the nonchalant reply.  
  
“I’ll swear on the soul of Pavel Chekov, you will reach the top alive. Would that work for you?” Sulu offered.  
  
“Why are you swearing it on the soul of some Russian kid?”  
  
“Because it’s his fault that I’m stuck in this mess in the first place.”  
  
The Man in Black considered this for a moment before conceding, “Throw me the rope.”  
  
\--  
  
After a lot of effort, the Man in Black finally crawled to safety. Looking over at Sulu and panting, he nodded. “Thanks.”  
  
Sulu shrugged and there was a long pause between the two before he asked, “I don’t mean to pry, but you don’t by any chance happen to be a Romulan with a weird face tattoo?”  
  
Sitting on a rock nearby to catch his breath, the Man in Black looked over, baffled at the question. “Do you always begin conversations this way?”  
  
“A Romulan with a weird face tattoo once bested me in a duel but left me alive. And since I have all this time now, I want to find him and get back at him, that’s all. I really shouldn’t be given free time - if I’m not looking for Romulans to beat, I’m abetting in crimes.”  
  
The man got up and shot him a sympathetic look. “Time will certainly do that to a person. Well, I certainly hope you find him, someday.”  
  
Sulu nodded. “You seem a decent fellow. I hate to kill you.”  
  
The Man in Black replied easily, “You seem a decent fellow. I hate to die.”  
  
“Shall we duel then?”  
  
“What? Duel? Like with swords?”  
  
“Yes, are you familiar with sword fighting?”  
  
The man took out his sword. “Well, very conveniently, I happen to have a sword with me for some reason. But to be perfectly honest, I specialize more in bar fights and my weapon of choice is my phaser. Are  **you**  familiar with sword fighting?”  
  
“I would assume so. I’ve fenced for years.”  
  
“Well then, I am arguably screwed, aren’t I?”  
  
“Maybe. Do you still want to give it a go?”  
  
The Man in Black shrugged. “I guess I might as well.”  
  
After a couple feints and counters, the two began to duel in earnest. Sulu raised a brow. “You’re using Bonetti’s defense against me, eh?”  
  
“I don’t actually know what that means. But sure, why not?”_  
  
\--  
  
“‘After a long, fierce fight between the two swordsman, through miraculous means, the Man in Black managed to emerge victorious.’” Leonard blinked and stared at the page for a moment, rereading the sentence. “That was the entire confrontation? Of course he skimmed over it - there’s no way he could’ve beaten Sulu in a duel. Miraculous means? How convenient. Let’s see…”  
  
\--  
  
 _“Kill me quickly.”  
  
The Man in Black frowned. “I would as soon destroy a stained glass window as an artist like yourself. However, since I can’t have you following me either…” He dunked Sulu’s head with his heavy sword handle, knocking him unconscious. “Please understand, I hold you in the highest respect.”  
  
Then he ran off to catch up to the three.  
  
\--  
  
Finnegan looked back to see the masked man gaining on them once more. “Inconceivable! Spock, give him to me. Catch up with us quickly - after you finish him.”  
  
Spock raised a brow. “I’m afraid it’s against my principles to attack a man without a logical cause.”  
  
“Fine, just knock him unconscious or something then!”  
  
“Very well.”  
  
\--  
  
The Man in Black slowed to a halt when he saw the Vulcan standing on the hill, waiting for him. Waving casually, he asked, “So what happens now?”  
  
“I am to render you unconscious,” Spock informed him bluntly.  
  
“Well, that’s going to cause me a lot of trouble. Frankly, I think the odds are slightly in your favour given you have that Vulcan Nerve Pinch of yours.”  
  
Spock nodded in agreement. “Yes, that would be why I was assigned to this task.”  
  
The man took a deep breath. “Are you sure you want to do this? This is going to be an extremely unfair fight – seeing as you’re way stronger than me physically and logically. Can’t we compete in something else?”  
  
“It would be highly illogical for me to allow you to even out the playing field. This is not negotiable.”  
  
“Come on, everything’s negotiable. This is a cheat, isn’t it? I mean, this is unwinnable.”  
  
Spock raised a brow. “Your argument precludes the possibility of a no-win scenario.”  
  
The Man in Black shrugged. “I don’t believe in no-win scenarios.”_  
  
\--  
  
“‘The two of them fought. And through miraculous means, the Man in Black managed to knock Spock out cold.’” Leonard rolled his eyes. “He won through ‘miraculous means’ again?”  
  
Joanna leaned against him. “Daddy…keep going. I want to see what happens to Finnegan.”  
  
“Yes, darlin’.”  
  
\--  
  
 _Nero frowned as he studied the ground. “A fight took place here – with swords.”  
  
From behind him, Ayel asked, “Who won? How did it end? Why were they using swords? And why are we riding horses?”  
  
Ignoring him, Nero continued, “The loser ran off alone. The winner followed those footprints.”  
  
“Shall we track them both?”  
  
Nero shook his head. “The loser is nothing. Only the doctor matters.”  
  
Ayel frowned. “Could this be a trap?”  
  
“I always think everything could be – which is why I’m still alive.”  
  
And then they galloped off.  
  
\--  
  
When the Man in Black finally reached Finnegan and Bones, he found Finnegan holding a knife to the blindfolded doctor’s throat. There appeared to be a picnic spread laid out for reasons unexplained, but which turned out to be very convenient for the man.  
  
Finnegan frowned. “So, it is down to you. And it is down to me.” The man nodded and took a couple steps. Finnegan pushed the knife harder against Bones’ throat. “If you wish him dead, by all means keep moving forward.”  
  
“Let me explain-”  
  
Finnegan cut him off, “There’s nothing to explain. You’re trying to kidnap what I’ve rightfully stolen.”  
  
“Perhaps an arrangement can be reached,” the man suggested pleasantly as he took another step forward.  
  
“There will be no arrangement – and you’re killing him!”  
  
The Man in Black stopped again. “But if there can be no arrangement, then we’re at an impasse.”  
  
Nodding, Finnegan replied, “I’m afraid so. I can’t compete with you physically. And you’re no match for my brains.”  
  
“You’re that smart?”  
  
“Let me put it this way: have you heard of Cardassians?”  
  
“Yes.”  
  
“Morons.”  
  
The man looked skeptical. “Really? In that case, I challenge you to a battle of wits.”  
  
It was Finnegan’s turn to look skeptical. “For the doctor?”  
  
The man nodded.  
  
“To the death?”  
  
And he nodded again.  
  
“I accept.”  
  
“Good. Then pour the wine because-” Immediately taking out his hand phaser, the Man in Black shot Finnegan and effectively killed him before he could even react to the situation. The man grinned triumphantly. “ **Phasered!**  And I don’t even care if that wasn’t a real word!”_  
  
\--  
  
“What?” both father and child asked at the same time, baffled by the sudden death of Finnegan.  
  
Leonard glanced over at his daughter. “Well, that was unexpectedly fast and rather anticlimactic.”  
  
She nodded in agreement. “I guess we should keep reading.”  
  
“I guess we should.”  
  
\--  
  
 _The Man in Black stepped over the corpse and freed Bones of all his bindings. Bones looked around and noticed Finnegan lying dead on the ground and asked, “Who are you?”  
  
“I’m no one to be trifled with. That’s all you ever need to know,” the man replied. Then he took the bottle of wine in one hand and Bones’ arm with the other and began leading the doctor off the mountain path.  
  
\--  
  
Meanwhile, Nero was at the site where the second battle had taken place. “A Vulcan was defeated here! I wonder if it was Spock?  **Spock** …” he spat the name out bitterly. “I  **will**  kill you, Spock! Come, Ayel, let’s keep going!”  
  
\--  
  
After dragging an exhausted Bones across the untraveled terrain, the man finally let go of him. “Catch your breath.”  
  
Bones frowned. “Dammit, man, let me go. Stop walking and drinking! It’s a hazard to both of our well being! And there’s no point in asking for ransom when that guy’s just going to blow up the planet. You’re just going to cut your life even shorter by dragging me around like this. We’re in the twenty-third century for god’s sake. Tracking people isn’t exactly difficult anymore.”  
  
“You think your dearest love will save you?”  
  
Shooting the other a confused expression, Bones replied, “I never said he was my dearest love. And I don’t know if he’d actually save me or not. But he’ll kill you – that part’s for sure.”  
  
The Man in Black looked skeptical. “You admit to me you do not love your fiancé?”  
  
“Why the hell would I love someone who’s about to blow up the Earth?”  
  
“‘Are not capable of love’ is what you mean.”  
  
Bones snorted bitterly. “What would you know?”  
  
\--  
  
Nero knelt by Finnegan’s dead body and frowned. “He was shot by a phaser. This is very different from the other two fights. And there are the doctor’s footprints. He is alive…or  **was** , an hour ago. If he is otherwise when I find him, I shall be very put out. Ayel, I’m starting to think we should’ve flown a shuttle or something.”  
  
Ayel wisely chose to remain silent.  
  
\--  
  
Awhile later, the two of them reached the top of a ravine. The drop down was sharp and severe. Bones didn’t even want to think about getting down. The Man in Black, however, seemed perfectly fine around heights. “Rest, doc.”  
  
Bones decided to avert his attention from his fear of heights to anger towards the man before him. “I know who you are. Your cruelty reveals everything. You’re the Dread Space Pirate April. Admit it.”  
  
The Man in Black bowed theatrically. “With pride. What can I do for you?”  
  
“You can go burn in hell.” As a doctor, it was against his principle to tell people to die or get injured.  
  
“Hardly complimentary, doc. Why take your anger out on me?”  
  
Bones frowned. “You killed this idiot I knew.”  
  
The Man in Black studied the brunet closely now. “It’s possible. I kill a lot of people. Who was this love of yours? Another prince, like this one: bald, powerful, and face tattoos?”  
  
Immediately furrowing his brows, Bones blinked. “What? No. First of all, I said ‘idiot,’ and second, he was just a town boy. Poor, accident prone-”  
  
“And perfect? With eyes like the sea after a storm?” added the man helpfully.  
  
“What the hell are you saying? Good god, man, is he  **your**  lost love or mine?”  
  
“Ha! So you admit that you love him!”  
  
“Yeah, well, what does it matter now? Out there, in space, your ship attacked, and the Dread Space Pirate April never takes prisoners.”  
  
The man nodded in agreement. “I can’t afford to make exceptions. Once word leaks out that a space pirate’s gone soft, people begin to disobey you, and then it’s nothing but work, work, work, all the time.”  
  
“Don’t give me that horse crap.”  
  
“Life is horse crap, doc. Anyone who says differently is selling something.” The Man in Black added seriously, “I remember this town boy of yours, I think. This would be, what, five years ago?” Bones nodded mutely. “Does it bother you to hear this?”  
  
Bones shrugged.  
  
The man continued, “He died well, that should please you. No bribe attempts or blubbering. He did attempt to shoot me with a phaser at one point though. But in the end, he simply said, ‘Please. Please, I need to live.’ It was the ‘please’ that caught my memory. So I asked him what was so important for him. ‘True love,’ he replied. And then he spoke of a doctor of surpassing hotness, grumpiness, severe workaholism, and of course, faithfulness. I can only assume he meant you. You should bless me for destroying him before he found out what you really are.”  
  
Hazel eyes glared angrily at the man. “And what am I?”  
  
“Faithfulness he talked of, doctor. Your enduring faithfulness – actually, he said that you’d be too busy working to fall for another man, but that’s not the point. Now tell me truly. When you found out he was gone, did you get engaged to your prince that same hour, or did you wait a whole week out of respect for the dead?”  
  
“Dammit, man, I’m a doctor, not a whore! All I’ve done is work since he died!”  
  
The Man in Black was about to reply as they stood there on the edge of the ravine, but then something caught his attention. It was dust clouds caused by Nero’s horses.  
  
Taking advantage of the moment, Bones gave the man a shove. “This is completely against my code of ethics, but I don’t really care at the moment! Go burn in hell, you bastard!”  
  
As the man tumbled over the ravine, he managed to let out, “…as…you…wish…”  
  
Bones stood there, stupefied for a moment. Then he face palmed and scowled. “Dammit, Jim, why couldn’t you just say it was you like a normal person!?”  
  
He attempted to slowly scale down the ravine but quickly lost his balance and went tumbling after his beloved.  
  
\--  
  
From some distance away, Nero frowned. “Disappeared. He must’ve seen us closing in, which might account for his panicking in error. Unless I’m wrong, and I’m never wrong, they’re headed dead into the Fire Swamp – according to my map anyways. Ayel, tell the men to bring us shuttles. I’m tired of riding horses around like humans.”  
  
\--  
  
Bruised and torn, the two of them laid on the ground. Slowly, Jim pulled his mask off and crawled towards Bones. “Can you move at all?”  
  
Bones glanced over and grunted. “Dammit, Jim, I just rolled down an entire mountain. Do you really expect me to be able to move?”  
  
“This wasn’t exactly the romantic reunion I was hoping for,” Jim admitted. “But I told you, Bones, ‘I’ll come back for you.’ Why didn’t you wait for me?”  
  
“Well…you were dead.”  
  
“Death can’t stop true love. All it can do is delay it for awhile.”  
  
“I’ll never doubt again,” the doctor drawled sarcastically.  
  
Pulling Bones into his arms, Jim smiled. “There will never be a need.” The two kissed a tender, loving, and gentle kiss and then – “Ow!” He clapped a hand over his neck indignantly. “What was that for!?”  
  
With a hypospray in hand, Bones raised a brow and stated matter-of-factly, “In case you caught any strange diseases out in space, of course.”  
  
“Where’d that hypospray even come from!?”_  
  
\--  
  
Leonard paused in his reading to chuckle to himself. Getting that out of his system, he cleared his throat and continued, “Anyways…oh look, another kissing scene. Let’s just skip that and move onto the Fire Swamp part. Okay. ‘Jim and Bones raced along the ravine floor…’”  
  
\--  
  
 _Racing along the ravine floor, Jim glanced up and saw Nero and his men, perched on top of the ravine, looking down at them. He grinned. “Ha. Your Romulan fiancé is too late. A few more steps and we’ll be safe in the Fire Swamp.”  
  
“Fire Swamp? We’ll never survive.”  
  
“Oh, come on, Bones. You’re just saying that because no one ever has. There’s no such thing as a no-win situation, remember?”  
  
Bones scowled. “Dammit, Jim, stop being so jaunty about everything! You won’t be able to reach the win situation until  **after**  you survive. And I’m pretty sure everything single thing in this swamp’s out to kill us.”  
  
The two walked around for awhile. Jim smiled. “It’s not that bad. I’m not saying I’d spend my time here during my leave, but the trees are actually quite lovely.”  
  
Suddenly, there was a slight popping sound, and then a giant spurt of flame leapt up.  
  
Bones emptied his verbal arsenal as he watched the flame shoot up, too close to comfort. “Oh my god, Jim! The ground shoots flames! The ground shoots goddamn  **flames**!”  
  
Jim looked impressed. “It certainly does keep you on your toes.”  
  
“Stop being so damn jaunty!”  
  
“Fine. I’ll distract you then. Just think, this will all soon be but a happy memory because April’s ship ‘Enterprise’ is in orbit and there’s a shuttle at the far end. And I, as you know, am April.”  
  
Bones rolled his eyes. “How’s that even possible, since he’s been marauding twenty years and you only left five years ago?”  
  
Avoiding another blast of flame, Jim explained, “You see, what I told you before about saying ‘please’ was true. It intrigued April, as did my description of you. Finally, April decided something. He said, ‘Jim, was it? Do you feel like you were meant for something better? Something special? Come with us and work for me. We’ll see how it goes, but I’ll most likely kill you in the morning.’  
  
“Three years he said that. ‘Goodnight, Jim. Good work. Sleep well. I’ll most likely kill you in the morning.’ I learnt to fence, to fight, anything anyone would teach me. And April and I eventually became friends. And then it happened.”  
  
Curious, Bones asked, “What? Go on.”  
  
“Well, April had grown so rich, he wanted to retire. So he took me to his cabin and told me his secret. ‘I’m not the Dread Space Pirate April,’ he said. ‘My name is Christopher Pike. I inherited this ship from the previous Dread Space Pirate April, just as you will inherit it from me. The real April has been retired fifteen years and living like a king on Risa.’  
  
“Then he explained that the name and the ship were the important things for inspiring the necessary fear. Apparently no one would surrender to the Dread Space Pirate Jim – something I totally disagree with, but never mind that for now. So we sailed ashore, took on an entirely new crew and he stayed aboard for awhile as first mate, all the time calling me April. Once the crew believed, he left the ship and I have been April ever since. Is everything clear to you?”  
  
Bones nodded. But then he noticed a patch of sand in the middle of the path and frowned. “That looks like quicksand. Let’s go around it. No way in hell am I dying in quicksand.”  
  
Jim shrugged. “Sounds good to me.”  
  
And so, they walked around the pit and avoided the lightning sand…  
  
Only to be attacked by a giant R.O.U.S. – a Rodent of Unusual Size – that jumped out from the trees and latched onto Jim’s arm. Jim let out a howl of pain and tried to punch it. After getting bitten in the shoulder as well, he heard a popping noise nearby and threw the rat into the flames just as it shot up. It screeched and was momentarily stunned, giving Jim enough time to grab his phaser to kill the rodent.  
  
Panting, Jim took a deep, shuddering breath and tucked his phaser back out of sight. “…that wasn’t so bad – ow! What was that for!?”  
  
“In case it had rabies or other diseases,” Bones explained and put his hypospray away. “Are we actually still on Earth? What’s with these shrieking eels and flame shooting grounds? Those things aren’t supposed to exist on Earth.”  
  
\--  
  
After more walking, they finally reached the edge of the Fire Swamp only to see Nero and his man waiting for them. Nero smirked. “It’s so much more efficient travelling by shuttle than by horse. Surrender.”  
  
Jim shook his head and took a step in front of the doctor protectively. “No way.”  
  
From the corner of his eyes, Bones noticed other Romulans hidden in the forest with their phasers trained on them.  
  
Nero roared, “For the last time –  **surrender**!”  
  
“ **No!**  N-”  
  
“Will you promise not to hurt him?” Bones interjected.  
  
Everyone turned their attention to the doctor. Nero raised a brow. “What was that?”  
  
“If we surrender and l return with you, will you let Jim go?”  
  
The Romulan frowned. “And why would I do that?”  
  
Bones shrugged. “Does it matter? You can just destroy him along with the planet in a couple weeks – along with that Spock guy you hate so much.”  
  
Distracted by the mention of Spock, Nero scowled. “ **Spock** …I  **will**  kill you… Fine. Whatever. They’re all destined to die anyways.” Then he muttered to Ayel. “Once we’re gone, take him back and throw him in the Shuttle of Despair. He might have information on Spock.”  
  
Turning to Jim, Bones frowned. “You’re not going to die in front of me, Jim! I refuse to let you die in front of me!” He was about to say more but then Nero walked over and dragged him away, onto the shuttle. “Oh god, I hate these things.”  
  
Ayel then approached Jim. “You’re coming with me.”  
  
Jim raised a brow. “So much for promises, eh? Say, you have a weird face tattoo – I think someone was looking for you.”  
  
“That’s a very vague description. Many of us have these markings.”  
  
Then he knocked Jim unconscious._  
  
\--  
  
“‘When Jim awoke, he was in a shuttle that Nero and Ayel had designed in order to torture their enemy while on the go. He opened his eyes to find that his wounds were being addressed by another Romulan who informed him that he was there to be tortured by something called ‘The Machine.’ The Machine was every bit as foreboding as it sounded.’  
  
“‘Meanwhile, Bones had a terrible dream where Nero got too bored and decided to destroy the Earth that same evening. In that same dream, he was lectured on the importance of true love by a very beautiful lady by the name of Uhura. So he decided to confront Nero.’”  
  
\--  
  
 _“So the thing is: I love Jim. As much as I hate to say it out loud, I do. If you tell me I have to go off with you, into space of all places, in ten days, I’m going to do something drastic and unnecessary. ”  
  
Nero shrugged. “If you do that, I might just end up killing people out of anger.”  
  
Bones growled and stormed off, defeated. “You were supposed to give me a little more leeway than that, dammit! I’m going back to my clinic!”  
  
\--  
  
Blue eyes darted around the shuttle only to land on the entrance as Ayel stepped in. “So, do you like The Machine? I took me and Nero many years to invent it. But then again, we had many, many years to, seeing as we came to this universe a couple decades too early. But anyways, right now, I’m writing the definitive work on pain. So I want you to be totally honest with me on how The Machine makes you feel.”  
  
Jim snorted and tested his straps. “Well, at the moment - kind of kinky, I’d say.”  
  
Ayel’s eyebrow twitched. “I see. Very interesting. We’ll have to see how ‘kinky’ you feel after the first round.”  
  
\--  
  
A couple days later, Sulu and Spock had regrouped somewhere near the little town in the Old South.  
  
“So Uhura’s still busy?” Sulu asked conversationally.  
  
Spock nodded. “That is correct. And by your presence, I assume that Mr. Chekov also remains unavailable.”  
  
“That’s right. So what now? The high and mighty Romulan got the doctor back which must mean the masked guy must either be dead or captured. Should we go rescue him to pass the time?”  
  
The Vulcan shrugged impassively._  
  
\--  
  
“‘On the morning of the wedding, desperate, Bones said something that enraged Nero.’”  
  
\--  
  
 _“Your plan’s going to fail.”  
  
Nero raised a brow. “Oh? And what makes you say that?”  
  
Bones crossed his arms. “Jim’s going to stop you. And if not Jim,  **someone**  will - eventually.”  
  
“I seriously doubt that.”  
  
“What’s the point in destroying the planet anyways? Spock’s probably not even there anymore. Hell, with the way you do things, you’ll probably never get him.”  
  
Infuriated, Nero grabbed Bones by the arm and locked him in one of the rooms of the town hall, which he’d taken over for the wedding. “I wouldn’t say such things if I were you! We’re going to wed tonight and then I’m going to blow up this planet along with your precious Jim  **and**  Spock! Spock  **will**  die by my hands!”  
  
Afterwards, Nero stormed over to the Shuttle of Despair and cranked The Machine to its highest setting. “You truly love each other, and so you might have been truly happy. Not one couple in a century has that chance, not matter what the storybooks say. And so I think no man in a century will suffer as greatly as you will. Except  **me**  – since I had to watch Spock destroy my family and my planet!  **Spock!**  I  **will**  destroy you if it’s the last thing I do!”  
  
Ayel rose from his seat. “You’re going to kill him at that setting! Not even Romulans can handle The Machine at that level!”  
  
“Then so be it.”  
  
\--  
  
Nearby, Sulu and Spock could hear Jim’s screaming and began looking around the area for the shuttle. Unfortunately, Jim’s screams died out soon after and the two were at a lost for what to do. But then suddenly, in the distance, they spotted a Romulan walking towards something. Creeping up behind the man, Spock unleashed his nerve pinch and knocked the Romulan out.  
  
Sulu looked at the shuttle in front of them. “I think those screams were coming from in here.”  
  
Once inside the empty shuttle, they found Jim lying there and quickly undid the bindings. Spock shook his head. “I’m afraid he’s dead.”  
  
“Well, that won’t do. Bring the body. Let’s see if we can get a miracle performed.”  
  
“A miracle? Mr. Sulu, that is most illogical. Even miracles cannot bring back the dead,” Spock reasoned.  
  
Eyes sparkling with mischief, Sulu replied, “They can if it’s performed by medical personnel or engineers.”  
  
And so, the two of them went to see Montgomery Scott.  
  
\--  
  
Scotty looked unconvinced when he saw the body. “And why should I bring the lad back?”  
  
Before a long, meaningless banter could erupt, an Orion woman appeared. “Just be nice and bring him back, Scotty.”  
  
“I cannae do that, Gaila. He’s mostly dead.”  
  
“But that means he’s not completely dead, right? Besides, Nero’s going to destroy the planet today, so you might as well do something nice before we’re all obliterated,” she coaxed him.  
  
“Nero?” Spock asked seriously.  
  
Scotty nodded. “Aye, the crazy Romulan who’s going to blow up the planet today. It’s a shame. I don’t really understand why no one’s trying to stop him.” And then he shrugged. “But I’m just sitting around as well, so who am I to complain? Do you have something against him?”  
  
Spock frowned. “He destroyed my home planet and killed my mother.”  
  
“That’s rough, lad. I’m sorry about that.”  
  
Sulu looked thoughtful. “So Nero was the high and mighty Romulan all along? I guess we know what we’re doing next then.”  
  
“Here,” Scotty said as he handed a pill over. “It’s full of nanobots. If they cannae get him restarted, then the lad’s really dead.”  
  
Taking the pill and putting it into his pocket, Sulu nodded. “Thanks for everything.”  
  
Scotty smiled. “Good luck with whatever you’re doing, lads.”_  
  
\--  
  
“‘Hiding by the town hall, Spock and Sulu fed Jim the pill without any idea how long it’d take for him to be revived. Then all of a sudden, Jim’s eyes snapped open.’”  
  
\--  
  
 _Jim’s eyes snapped open. “I’ll beat you both apart! I’ll take you both together!”  
  
Spock raised a brow. “How unusual. I did not expect him to regain consciousness so quickly.”  
  
Studying the two suspiciously for a moment, Jim asked, “Why won’t my arms move? Did Bones inject me with something weird again?”  
  
“No, the good doctor did not. The logical reason for your paralysis is because you have been mostly dead all day.”  
  
Sulu patted him on the shoulder sympathetically. “We had Scotty use his nanobots to revive you, so don’t be too alarmed when you start pissing little black machines later.”  
  
Jim furrowed his brows. “Who are you? Are we enemies? Why am I here? Where’s Bones?”  
  
“Let me explain,” Sulu began. But then he changed his mind and shook his head. “No. There’s too much. Let me sum it up. Your doctor is marrying Nero in a little while, and then Nero’s going to blow up the planet. So we have to go in, break up the wedding, steal the doc, kill Nero, and make our escape.”  
  
With effort, Jim finally managed to wiggle his finger. “That doesn’t leave much time for dilly dallying.”  
  
Spock looked impressed. “You’re able to move your finger so soon?”  
  
“What can I say? I’ve always been a quick healer – even Bones said so. Tell me what assets and liabilities we have.”  
  
Sulu hesitated. “Are you sure you want to know? We have a lot of liabilities and very little assets.”  
  
Jim managed a lopsided shrug and grinned. “Just lay it on me. I don’t believe in no-win situations.”  
  
\--  
  
Meanwhile, in the town hall, Bones had been thrown into a suit and stood there, grumbling unhappily to himself. Nero walked over. “You don’t seem excited, doctor.”  
  
“Should I be?”  
  
“Doctor-brides often are, I’m told.”  
  
“You can’t just throw two nouns together to create a new word in English. It might work in German but not English,” Bones retorted.  
  
Nero frowned. “You seem healthy enough to banter, so why aren’t you excited to wed?”  
  
Bones rolled his eyes and drawled sarcastically, “Oh, I don’t know. I find it a little hard to get excited when the planet’s going to be destroyed directly after my wedding. Jesus, and I thought my  **last**  marriage was bad.”_  
  
\--  
  
“‘Fortunately, because there had to be a Romulan wedding ceremony and a human ceremony, it took a lot longer to go through. Unfortunately, Nero abridged both of them by only including the first and last two words of the vows. But fortunately, Jim, Spock, and Sulu managed through miraculous means to get past all the Romulan guards and break into the town hall. Unfortunately, the ceremonies were over and Nero’s guards dragged a very stunned Bones away while Nero took off to make sure that everything was still going according to his plan. Fortunately, Jim wasn’t one to give up on a chase just because of a few, small inconveniencies.’”  
  
\--  
  
 _Inside the town hall, they split up after being attacked by more Romulans. As he ran down the hall, Sulu ran into Ayel. “Hey, you’ve got a pretty weird face tattoo there.”  
  
Ayel frowned. “You’re the second person to have said that to me. And as I’ve said, many of us have markings on our heads. It’s not a very good description to use when trying to find someone.”  
  
Sulu shrugged. “I guess that’s true. That description usually works just fine when you’re dealing with humans. Tell me, do you fence?”  
  
“No.”  
  
“Oh, I guess I have the wrong Romulan then.”  
  
Pulling out his phaser, Sulu shot Ayel and killed him.  
  
And that was that._  
  
\--  
  
Leonard furrowed his brows and read the sentence again.  
  
It didn’t change.  
  
So he continued reading.  
  
\--  
  
 _It took awhile longer to reach the room because the guards got lost in the town hall, unused to navigating around human buildings. The second they opened the door, the two of them were shot and killed instantly. Bones stared in disbelief. “Jim?”  
  
Sitting on a chair, still mostly paralyzed, Jim grinned. “Hey, Bones. So are you just going to stand there and stare or are you going to come here and give me a kiss?”  
  
For once, Bones walked over and practically threw himself into Jim's arms. “I’m sorry, Jim.”  
  
Still smiling, Jim asked, “Oh? What hideous sin have you committed lately?”  
  
“Apparently I just got married again. I know I’ve sworn off getting married, but it just kind of happened – and to the Romulan who’s about to destroy the Earth for that matter.”  
  
“It never happened.”  
  
Hazel eyes blinked. “What?”  
  
“It never happened,” Jim repeated. “It was all cut short, right? Did you say, ‘I do’?”  
  
“No. They skipped that part.”  
  
“I’m not sure about the Romulan one, but definitely you’re not married by Earth standards. If you didn’t say it, you didn’t do it. Wouldn’t you agree, Nero?”  
  
Stepping into the room Nero pulled out his phaser and shrugged. “A technicality that will shortly be remedied. But first things first. I believe in situations like this, you humans would say: ‘to the death’?”  
  
“No.” Jim paused. “To the pain.”  
  
Confused, Nero stopped. “I don’t think I’m quite familiar with that phrase.”  
  
Jim cleared his throat. “I’ll explain. And I’ll use small words so that you’ll be sure to understand. To the pain means the first thing you lose will be your feet, below the ankles, then your hands at the wrist, next your nose. Then your eyes – but you’ll get to keep your ears, facial features we conveniently share for the sake of ‘to the pain’.  
  
“And you get to keep your ears so that every shriek of every being that sees your hideousness will be yours to cherish. Every child that weeps at your approach, every cry of ‘Dear god, what is that thing?’ will echo in your perfect ears. That’s what ‘to the pain’ means – not that it matters because-” Jim whipped out his phaser as quickly as he could and shot Nero, knocking him off his feet. “ **Phasered!**  And I  **still**  don’t care that it’s not a real word!”  
  
Standing up, Bones stared at the body then at Jim. “Dammit, Jim, you just killed him!”  
  
“No. My phaser was set to stun. Tie him up, would you, Bones? I actually have no strength in my arms or legs. See, I was mostly dead earlier but then was revived and now my brain’s trying to convince my body to work again.”  
  
Hazel eyes widened. “You were  **what**!?”  
  
Jim shrugged. “It’s really not that big of a deal. I’m alive now, aren’t I? So let’s tie him up. Mr. Spock will want to see this.”  
  
Bones scowled. “Fine, but after I tie him up, I’m fixing you up.”  
  
Smiling lovingly, Jim nodded “I wouldn’t have it any other way, Bones.”  
  
\--  
  
After Nero was tied up, Spock entered the room. “In the time I was gone, I managed to program Nero’s ship to leave our orbit and fly into a distant star though illogically miraculous means.”  
  
Jim gave the Vulcan a thumbs-up – having regained control of his body thanks to Bones’ handiwork. “Good job, Mr. Spock.” Then he handed Spock his phaser which was set to kill and nodded towards the Romulan. “And there’s your reward.”  
  
Coming to, Nero began struggling against his bonds. “ **Spock!** ”  
  
Spock stared at the phaser and contemplated his actions for a minute. Then he raised it. “Hello. My name is S’chn T’gai Spock. You killed my mother. Prepare to die.”  
  
And then he pulled the trigger.  
  
\--  
When everything had been done, the three of them went outside to find Sulu standing by a shuttle. “Hey guys, I found this conveniently lying around, so I figured I’d take it. Mr. Spock, what should we do to kill time now?”  
  
Jim grinned. “Since you guys have that much time on your hands, why don’t you two come with me? Have you ever considered space piracy? I mean, you two are pretty much criminals now, even though we just saved the planet from being destroyed.”  
  
The two shrugged.  
  
“Great. It’s settled then. Mr. Spock, you can be my First Officer, and Sulu, you can be my Helmsman. We can go pick up those friends of yours, and that Scotty guy too. Then we’ll make our way back to the Enterprise. And of course,” Jim asked Bones, “you’ll come and by my CMO, won’t you, Bones? I’ll even keep you distracted while we’re on the shuttle.”  
  
Bones rolled his eyes and sighed. “I guess  **somebody’s**  got to keep you in one piece, you damn infant.”_  
  
\--  
  
“‘And at last, their trials were done. They got onto the shuttle, allowing Spock and Sulu to sit in the cockpit, and flew to freedom. And as dawn arose, Jim and Bones knew they were safe. A wave of love swept over them. And as they reached for each other, they kissed like they never kissed before. Since the invention of the kiss, there have been five kisses that were rated the most passionate, the most pure. This one left them all behind…’”  
  
Leonard’s trailed off and his brows furrowed when he realized that he was only half way through the book. Flipping to the next page curiously, he skimmed a couple lines and could feel his face reddening.  
  
Joanna looked at him curiously. “What’s wrong daddy? What happens next? There’s more, isn’t there?”  
  
He quickly shook his head and clapped the book shut. “Nope. It said, ‘This one left them all behind. The end.’ That’s all. The last few pages are just the appendix and the index and whatnot. Wasn’t that a heartwarming story? Please excuse me for a minute, darlin’, I need to go make a call to Uncle Jim.”  
  
Her eyes widened excitedly. “Okay, daddy!”  
  
\--  
  
Once inside and out of hearing range of Joanna, Leonard called Jim up who immediately picked up.  _“Hey, Bones! Happy holidays! How’s it going to JoJo?”_  
  
Leonard narrowed his eyes and hissed into his communicator, “Dammit, Jim, don’t ‘How’s it going to JoJo?’ me! Wait, what’s that sound in the background? Are you on a shuttle right now?”  
  
Jim sounded impressed.  _“Yes, I am. Wow, you have excellent ears, Bones.”_  
  
“Never mind that! That book you sent today-”  
  
 _“Yeah, one of my early Christmas gifts! How was it? Did you guys enjoy the story? I wrote it myself, you know?”_  
  
Leonard scowled. “Stop sounding so damn jaunty! First of all, it was a ridiculous story with more plot holes than craters on the moon. Second of all, you have way too much time on your hands if you can write something like that. And third of all, what the hell is with the second half of the book!? It's nothing but  _smut_  –about  _us_!”  
  
 _“Well, the second half **was**  written for  **you**. You know, just in case you start missing me during your leave.”_  
  
“I  _demand_  you get your ass over here so I can kick it back into space!”  
  
Jim laughed.  _“As you wish.”_


End file.
